My husband and I recently went to a wedding in a town we once lived 6 years ago. My husband, Jeremy, worked as a youth pastor in this town for 3 1/2 years. The young woman getting married was once of his college students during our time there.
I wish I could say that I had so many great memories of this town and our time there, but unfortunately that isn't the case. Yes, there were good times. However I mostly look back with sorrow and regret with all that transpired during our years there. Ministry is hard and when you have a different idea of how to do that than the majority, it makes it even harder. We spent much of our time there fighting to be able to do the ministry the way God was leading my husband and he found opposition at almost every turn. Not only opposition, but also criticism. And A LOT of criticism.
We lived there for almost 4 years had two of our children there and thought this would be where we spent most of their childhood, but it was becoming clear that this wasn't God's desire for us. We were confronted with a kind of hurt and betrayal by people that we thought loved us and believed in us. We became the result of a "difference in philosophy of ministry." There were only a few relationships that survived through the hurt and most of those were with the youth that Jeremy ministered to. They loved him and were deeply hurt that he would be leaving and they didn't quite understand it all.
Fast forward to the present. We were making a trip back for what would be the 2nd time since we left. I was NOT looking forward to it. I was nervous and unsure of who I would see and what would await us in town. As we drove off the freeway and through the town, I had a very surreal moment. It felt as if we never even lived there. The time we spent there felt like a different life altogether. The person I was, was a different one entirely.
Then of course we started playing the dangerous game of "What If...?" What if we hadn't moved here? What if we had done it their way? What if...What if....What if.... And in doing so we started getting sad and discouraged. At that moment I looked to my husband and said, "No! This is a waste of time saying, what if. We can't live our life that like."
You see the person I was 6 years ago was a women at her lowest. A woman with no friends her own age. A women with very little self esteem. A woman well on her way to being depressed and unmotivated to move forward. All my memories of that time carry a dark shadow over them. At the time I didn't even realize how bad it was getting.
My life was probably the hardest it had ever been. I was a new mom and had no support system living nearby. (except for my husband of course) These are the memories I have of this place that we are about to spend a weekend in.
But as I began to stop asking those what if questions, I instead began to look at who I am today and how God used this time I spent in the valley. He used what I thought was the darkest and loneliest time in my life to help shape and mold me into the woman I am today. He allowed me to go through the pit I was in so that I could truly appreciate what it felt to be on the mountain top.
You see my life had been fairly simple up to that point. As we took a trip into the past I realized that God used us despite the hurt and betrayal we felt. The impact of Jeremy's ministry there still shows itself when he gets phone calls to perform weddings or celebrate life's triumphs. And of course not every day was dark and depressing. There were plenty of days that were filled with happiness and joy as well.
I say all this to encourage anyone who might feel like their life is in shambles. They are feeling like their faith is shaken and wondering why God is allowing them to go through this storm. For anyone out there who is wondering, What if...? Stop saying it! Every decision and circumstance in your life is shaping and molding you. God uses some of the darkest times in our lives to bring us closer to the person he wants us to be. And so that we can ultimately give HIM the glory for getting us through.
And when he reminded me of that TRUTH this weekend I was able to relax and enjoy myself. I was able to unwind, let the past stay in the past, and celebrate the marriage of a very special woman.
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